I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 4 a.m. after a very strange dream involving a friend who moved to another country coming back for one day to help me through some unknown crisis (or maybe I was helping her? that part was unclear, in the way that dreams sometimes are). As we solved said problem and were exuberantly plotting to squeeze in some quality time of relaxing female friendship, she got distracted by a call from her former secret (but maybe also completely platonic) flame, Barack Obama. I selflessly gave up my time with her so they could sit together and enjoy ice cream sundaes while lounging under (separate) blankets, but then Michelle busted them and dragged Barack away with an annoyed look on her face. (Dreams are so weird.) I had my friend back briefly but then her family showed up and made her fly back to the other side of the world to get on with her actual life since the crisis was over. It was mostly happy and silly as dreams go but also kind of stressful. I woke up smiling at the ridiculousness of it and then just missed my friend and realized how much I miss all my friends in this long, lonely time. I finally fell back asleep for less than an hour when my alarm went off, reminding me of my plan to get up and run early, before the littlest one woke up. I hit snooze once, but then I did it.
Early morning running is worth it. I know this, and it’s going to take some considerable getting used to doing it anyway. I was happy to have done it, and I got home with time to start laundry and coffee before I heard the little one–but with the bad sleep, it definitely wiped me out for the day (despite being a short run). I also find that with running off the agenda for the rest of the day, I am somewhat overwhelmed by the range of choices I have for using my time. Granted, these choices are still constrained by kids’ needs and schedules, but there were a couple different points where I found myself thinking “what now?” This is a wonderful dilemma. There is so much I want or need to do (fun activities with the kids! clear my inbox! clean the house! put the Christmas decorations away! give away baby stuff!), but I am working on figuring out a new structure and rhythm of the day now that school is back from winter break and, for the moment at least, work is not consuming much of my time.
Finishing up my run and getting showered and into real clothes sets me up for a more productive day, too. I have known this, but between the baby stage, running at inconsistent times throughout the day, and many months of sheltering in place, I have been inconsistent about it for a couple of years now. The trick at this point is figuring out what I’m supposed to be wearing at this stage of my life.
I feel stuck in a few different ways right now, and it’s easy to fall into the void of uncertainty and lack of structure, which usually leaves me lost in my own thoughts. I hope that getting up and moving early will help me shift my mindset and establish better habits and routines to continue growth and progress through the remaining months of this transitional time.
Hope Runs On 